IMG_1112-3Just a day ago, I drove along Lagos hoods with Abuchi, M.I’s manager and he showed me Bariga – Olamide’s first hood. He also showed me Sunday Street along Pam Groove where he used to live in a tiny house with Ice Prince and M.I before they all blew up. “Now we can all afford houses and live wherever we wish,” he said to me. Thank God and hard work. “This is the city of dreams, I could never leave Lagos,” Abuchi reminisces.

To catch up on this story, read How I Ended up in Ojuelegba: Lagos Danfo Drama Part I

At Ojuelegba, we grab another Danfo to Ikeja now. The conductor and driver are both elderly so I feel a sense of security. This one won’t be dramatic. Abi and I are paying 200 Nairas each. We ask the conductor if he has change for 1000 Nairas bill – what we have. He doesn’t. On hearing this, a lady sitting at the Danfo’s front hands me over 200 Nairas so we can give him all the cash and get easy change. She confuses us when she says 200 for two. On thinking we are meant to pay 100 Nairas each, there becomes such confusion with the change as Abi hands him over the extra 200 Nairas so he can give us 800 Nairas. He gives us 700 instead of 500 Nairas since it was actually 200 Nairas per person. I am even lost now. In summary, this conductor is the worst at math. Moral of the story is the old matatu adage: do not take another passenger’s money to pay for them and always have loose change for fare.

As we are trying to get it all sorted some woman sitting right behind us decides to pock her nose in our business as if it is her money. “Nooo…. You said 1000 Nairas for four, I heard you.” Of course we know what we said but it was the silly lady sitting at the front who confused us by saying 200 Nairas for two, yet all through this fiasco she never opens her mouth once. It’s the guy sitting next to us who defends us asking the conductor to give us the change as he can attest that our math is right.

Another woman alights the Danfo asking for her change and the conductor says he doesn’t owe her anything. This is now becoming a broken record and the ladies sitting at the back of the Danfo won’t take it at all. One of them starts to descend on him, “Foolish! You are a very stupid human being for what you are doing and saying! Give the woman her change now!” I am astounded at her straightforwardness and defence for another person. Feeling sad for this poor old conductor, it’s a turn of events when he retaliates. “You are an idiot woman! Is your father a professor? Show me your degree and what science your mother studied! Stupid – shut your mouth!”

It’s such comedy and an afrocinema movie. I am in stitches and tears as these two hurl insults at each other from across the Danfo all the way from outskirts of Ojuelegba to Ikeja – our final destination.

The gentleman sitting next to us hears Abi telling me, “Every Danfo has its drama.” He agrees, “That’s how we do in Lagos. Only in Nigeria.” We are in Ikeja and this Danfo’s driver just drove fast and far past the designated stage. “Won’t you stop this bus now!” Abi is now furious. “Come down now!” Yells the driver. He really annoys all passengers by this so he gets some good insults as everyone comes out 🙂