Kenyan Facebook was über cool till one day decentralization took place. The cool kids moved onto twitter and the un-cool ones subsequently took over Facebook. It’s alright for people to move on, I mean MySpace is so 5 years ago, same with wearing the made in China high waist-cotton-trousers. However it wasn’t graceful for the kids who took over FB to turn an urban fable into a shagzmodoz phenomenon, hence it’s new pet name, Mukuru kwa Zuckerberg (MKZ). The new personality came with a lot of changes but the most outstanding had to be the MKZ Language.

It’s a breath of fresh air having to give that fly ass brother your number. You are waiting for that call. At least on that text message. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Then, it finally comes, the text! “Hae supuu, itwas gewd 2c u, xaxa wen kan we mit agen? Is lyk u fell 4fm heven.” Now these are the kind of things that render instant headaches! It beats me how such a fly, big, all strong and handsome man can write like that. I mean, if you can’t write to save your life, how can I trust you to save mine? This is my story set about a year ago. I don’t usually pursue on conversations that began on the MKZ Language platform but because this ‘strong tall, dark & handsome man’ was the brother to a friend (who FYI could text in correct English- ama baba alitembea?) I hoped that something would change overnight. Nothing did. After about 96 hours of gruesome texting, I was caught between having to ask him just why he wrote like that and most importantly who taught him to write like that because it had turned me off long before! However, I didn’t have to as our vibes just cooled down easily like the heat on ash after a fire.

His brother, my friend, then told me he said I was too much of a ‘Barbie’ for him, the English and all. Guys, If you are going to stop chasing after a girl because she writes grammatically correct, then you are a certified loser!

Looking for a man who can write is rather petty because you essentially want a man who can provide love, support, advice, care and respect et al but stop right there, MKZ Language enters the dating game as well as the professional world. I have seen a couple of emails in it. I was once going to some dude’s office to pick some tapes and he sent me a text saying ‘Get me a pack of DVDs at D Stalls’. I spent approximately 20 minutes looking for the shop called D stalls. Nobody seemed to know where that shop was located. On calling the dude, he said, “No, I meant THE stalls, any stalls around the office”. So I went on to ask him why he couldn’t have text with ‘THE’ stalls and he said, “Because these days people text how they speak.” Dude please, who says D stalls? Maybe Vybz Cartel, if you ask me.

Nway what good is a man who will embarrass me if he has to write a joint letter/email or just documents on our behalf? Worse still, having to re-read your texts three times to comprehend the message kills the gist of the intended excitement by the sender, so no need. I will not even go into reading Facebook and Twitter messages in the MKZ Language, I just ignore. Well, I have concluded that a man on MKZ Language needs simple schooling. I have only three steps:

1. Do not write the likes of xaxa, hae or bae to mean sasa, hi or bye.

Only imbeciles mean to use short form but in the end use a wrong form of the same number of words. Why are you saving on words anyway? You need to subscribe to the Safaricom unlimited text messages, it’s only 10 bob a day. Texting via Airtel is a bob. There is whatsapp and BBM services so what is your problem? Well twitter 140 characters is a problem, this calls for genius. Or just what are you up to?

2. Why divide your attention?

Colour is a good thing. It can also be a confusing thing when you try to add it the wrong way. When you add the MKZ Language into your general communication, do not expect to be taken seriously in a professional save social platform. Having to think of writing gewd, instead of good obviously had to take away your attention. What you fail to realize is that when the recipient opens that text message, their attention is divided as well. Instead of the text being the messenger, it becomes the subject.  You are however allowed to use other unorthodox languages only if you are the inventor, for who knows? You might be granted some bonus points for creativity!

3. Base your communication on the basic need.

It’s the FB era. What your friend writes is deemed as cool. You don’t want to be left behind as the fashion train takes off. However, if you care jack about communication look at the BASIC need. Otherwise, many probably want to show off those annoying short hand words, for whatever reason i will never know. But if you want to just say goodnight, write it like that. What is gwednit or gu9t?

I think it’s perfectly alright to exploit short hand through the use of certain abbreviations like FYI, SMH, LQTM, LOL ETC. My four-year old nephew just learnt how to write. Sweet litu-man, I am yet to receive his letters … Hope they are good. So guys, just so you know; a real woman wants a real man but he first has to learn how to write grammatically correct i.e. if he hasn’t already 🙂